A few months ago, my son was playing with a new toy when I heard something that stopped me in my tracks.
"I love you!" exclaimed the toy.
Excuse me? This inanimate object claims it loves my son? I don't think so. No, toy, you do not love my son. (Picture Woody from Toy Story - "YOU ARE A TOOOOYYYYY!!!!!!!")
Of course, that's nothing compared to the toy that whimpers when my son doesn't play with it. When the toy is first nudged, it plays some cheerful music. If no further play ensues, the toy yells at my son, "Come here and play!"
And if my son still is uninterested? The toy whimpers. Like a sad puppy.
Eventually, the toy surrenders and mutters, "Good bye." Yes, folks, I seem to have a toy that goes through the stages of grief.
A friend whose child has a different toy from the same company says that their toy mournfully intones, "I'm lonely...."
What gives, toy manufacturers? By creating toys that seem to rely on our children for "happiness," are you transforming our kids into codependent caretakers before they are out of diapers?
What about you guys? Do you have any emotionally needy toys at your house?
9.26.2010
Listening Again
For a musician, I sure haven't been listening to much music lately.
I realized this when my brother asked me last week if I've heard anything good lately. Nothing came into my mind at the moment, and I realized I haven't been much of a music consumer for the last two years or so. It's been even longer since I've been a regular concert-goer.
Most of my music consumption stopped when we unsubscribed from Rhapsody To Go. Rhapsody was a great service, and I found a lot of new music that way. With the subscription service, I was able to load tons and tons of music onto my mp3 player and find new music ever week. When we stopped our subscription, we lost not only the ability to find new music but also the library of music that had become favorites.
We still had (and have) lots of mp3s ripped from our CD collection, but most of those songs were from our pre-Rhapsody days. And to put the nail in the playlist coffin, the computer that acted as our media storage and server recently died a violent death.
There's still Pandora, of course. The streaming radio service is my main outlet for music now. I mostly use it for background noise or to entertain Ian, but lately I've been trying to release my inner music-lover and find some new tunes. I currently have a channel called "Random New Music," to which I add artists whenever a Twitter buddy mentions going to a concert or buying an album (thanks for the recommendations, Ashley, Aaron, Christy F, Annie, Hutchmo, et al).
I'm also trying to watch for Amazon's free and super-cheap mp3s to bring our permanent collection to a respectable state.
It's funny, but when I think about my listening habits, I think I feel a type of performance anxiety. I mean, I'm a musician and was a music major. My music listening should be the center of my life, right? But it's not. I do seem to be much happier with a good dose of music in my life, though, so I'm looking at my music listening resurgence as a way to take care of myself during a difficult time.
I realized this when my brother asked me last week if I've heard anything good lately. Nothing came into my mind at the moment, and I realized I haven't been much of a music consumer for the last two years or so. It's been even longer since I've been a regular concert-goer.
Most of my music consumption stopped when we unsubscribed from Rhapsody To Go. Rhapsody was a great service, and I found a lot of new music that way. With the subscription service, I was able to load tons and tons of music onto my mp3 player and find new music ever week. When we stopped our subscription, we lost not only the ability to find new music but also the library of music that had become favorites.
We still had (and have) lots of mp3s ripped from our CD collection, but most of those songs were from our pre-Rhapsody days. And to put the nail in the playlist coffin, the computer that acted as our media storage and server recently died a violent death.
There's still Pandora, of course. The streaming radio service is my main outlet for music now. I mostly use it for background noise or to entertain Ian, but lately I've been trying to release my inner music-lover and find some new tunes. I currently have a channel called "Random New Music," to which I add artists whenever a Twitter buddy mentions going to a concert or buying an album (thanks for the recommendations, Ashley, Aaron, Christy F, Annie, Hutchmo, et al).
I'm also trying to watch for Amazon's free and super-cheap mp3s to bring our permanent collection to a respectable state.
It's funny, but when I think about my listening habits, I think I feel a type of performance anxiety. I mean, I'm a musician and was a music major. My music listening should be the center of my life, right? But it's not. I do seem to be much happier with a good dose of music in my life, though, so I'm looking at my music listening resurgence as a way to take care of myself during a difficult time.
9.24.2010
Letting My Time Serve Me
I was watching a movie last night where a character who had recently been released from jail said that instead of serving her time, she tried to let the time serve her. I thought this was rather clever until I googled it and saw that it apparently was one of Paris Hilton's prison mantras [forehead smack].
Regardless of the source, the saying is apropos for where I am right now.
This has been a really hard week. I am so sick of bed rest. I hate not being able to do what I want, when I want. I want to take care of my son. I want to go to hockey games. I want to spend a few days alternating time with my family and quiet time just by myself.
At the same time, I realized yesterday how many more things I hope to do while on bed rest. This seems like the perfect time to try to pick up German, and it definitely is my best opportunity to crochet blankets for Ian and his brother. I have an Advent calendar for which I need to make some felt animals. I have several books I have wanted to read for a long time. I might even play some Final Fantasy XIII.
So I'm hoping I can spend the next few months letting my bed rest serve me, instead of serving my bed rest.
Regardless of the source, the saying is apropos for where I am right now.
This has been a really hard week. I am so sick of bed rest. I hate not being able to do what I want, when I want. I want to take care of my son. I want to go to hockey games. I want to spend a few days alternating time with my family and quiet time just by myself.
At the same time, I realized yesterday how many more things I hope to do while on bed rest. This seems like the perfect time to try to pick up German, and it definitely is my best opportunity to crochet blankets for Ian and his brother. I have an Advent calendar for which I need to make some felt animals. I have several books I have wanted to read for a long time. I might even play some Final Fantasy XIII.
So I'm hoping I can spend the next few months letting my bed rest serve me, instead of serving my bed rest.
9.21.2010
Um......
I totally ran out of things to post.
Doh.
Maybe I can't think due to lack of sleep. Right now I'm on meds that I have to take every 6 hours, so I end up being awake at weird times during the night.
I thought about following my "Bedrest Fashion" post with a "Bedrest Beauty" post, but then I realized I really haven't figured out any beauty help yet. My skin is breaking out, my hair is in a permanent state of frizz, and I don't bother to put on makeup most days. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure the answers to my beauty dilemmas are to have my hairstylist from Cognito stop by every few days and straighten my hair, and then get a facial from Magnolia Spa once a week. Totally doable.
Interesting thoughts -- this post from Suburban Turmoil about what kids should call adults. I had this same conversation with Ariana the other day. She and I both grew up calling adults "Miss First Name" until we were school age. However, our husbands think that is an odd hybrid of manners, and prefer "Mrs. Last Name" or just "First Name" with no prefix. But that feels so rude to me! The way culture and upbringing affect ideas of manners are so amusing sometimes.
My dear sisters-in-law kept me busy chatting on Skype today, and that was lovely.
I'm almost done crocheting the blanket for Ian that I started over a year ago, and soon I'll start on a blanket for his little brother. I guess there are a few good things about bed rest.....
Doh.
Maybe I can't think due to lack of sleep. Right now I'm on meds that I have to take every 6 hours, so I end up being awake at weird times during the night.
I thought about following my "Bedrest Fashion" post with a "Bedrest Beauty" post, but then I realized I really haven't figured out any beauty help yet. My skin is breaking out, my hair is in a permanent state of frizz, and I don't bother to put on makeup most days. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure the answers to my beauty dilemmas are to have my hairstylist from Cognito stop by every few days and straighten my hair, and then get a facial from Magnolia Spa once a week. Totally doable.
Interesting thoughts -- this post from Suburban Turmoil about what kids should call adults. I had this same conversation with Ariana the other day. She and I both grew up calling adults "Miss First Name" until we were school age. However, our husbands think that is an odd hybrid of manners, and prefer "Mrs. Last Name" or just "First Name" with no prefix. But that feels so rude to me! The way culture and upbringing affect ideas of manners are so amusing sometimes.
My dear sisters-in-law kept me busy chatting on Skype today, and that was lovely.
I'm almost done crocheting the blanket for Ian that I started over a year ago, and soon I'll start on a blanket for his little brother. I guess there are a few good things about bed rest.....
9.18.2010
Bedrest Fashion
At the beginning of my pregnancy, my stylist friend Jessica sent me a list of "10 Things for Every Pregnant Woman's Wardrobe." I selected a few things off the list to supplement my maternity wear, my favorite of which were skinny jeans and a maxi dress.
Now that I'm on bed rest, the skinny jeans aren't exactly comfortable for daily wear, but I don't want to sit around in my pajamas or workout pants all day. Getting dressed is one of the few ways I still feel like a "real person".
Jersey knit seems to be my friend. I've found some really cute knit items that are still comfortable to wear in bed all day. I have some gray jersey pants that were intended to be workout pants but can pass for dress casual when pair with a nice top, and I found a knit wrap dress from my first pregnancy that promises to be an essential piece this time as well.
Leggings, which were one of Jessica's original recommendations for me, have been very useful. I can wear them with a knit tunic top, or put them under a short dress to add some modesty.
I've traded some of my hospital white compression socks for black and skin-tone compression socks, which blend a little better with my clothes. The thigh-high compression stockings actually add some glamour to my look!
Even if you haven't done bed rest per se, I know several of you have had recuperation periods for surgery and various illnesses. Did you have a go-to wardrobe item that brightened your day?
 |
| This knit faux-wrap dress from motherhood.com combines style and comfort.. |
 |
| These active pants from oldnavy.com can pass for comfy dress pants. |
Jersey knit seems to be my friend. I've found some really cute knit items that are still comfortable to wear in bed all day. I have some gray jersey pants that were intended to be workout pants but can pass for dress casual when pair with a nice top, and I found a knit wrap dress from my first pregnancy that promises to be an essential piece this time as well.
 |
| These leggings from oldnavy.com have a modern flair with hook-&-eye details |
 |
| This apeainthepod.com tunic is cute but comfy-looking. |
I've traded some of my hospital white compression socks for black and skin-tone compression socks, which blend a little better with my clothes. The thigh-high compression stockings actually add some glamour to my look!
Even if you haven't done bed rest per se, I know several of you have had recuperation periods for surgery and various illnesses. Did you have a go-to wardrobe item that brightened your day?
9.17.2010
Thankfulness
Yeah, bed rest stinks, but when I think about where I was a month ago, I am immensely grateful to be here.
Five weeks ago I had just found out my cervix was shortening. A couple days after the appointment where I heard that diagnosis, I rushed to the hospital due to severe back pain. I remember Paul and I soberly discussing baby names in the car -- if we were losing the baby right then, we wanted him to have a name.
I remember waiting for cerclage surgery the next day. I talked to the high risk maternal fetal medicine specialist and asked her if I even had a shot at survival for the baby. She said she was "cautiously optimistic".
I remember talking to my friend Nancy before my surgery, who walked me through what would happen if my baby didn't make it (it's helpful to have a friend who logged time as a NICU chaplain and had a micropreemie of her own).
I remember a week later -- 4 weeks ago -- when the bleeding that should have stopped two days after surgery was still happening. I started to feel like the hemorrhaging woman in the Gospels, and I began praying that Christ would heal my bleeding as well. I was sent back to the hospital for observation.
And here I am, several weeks later. Still on bed rest, still a little scared. But I'm stable. No bleeding. No imminent labor. No hospital. And I am so, so thankful.
Five weeks ago I had just found out my cervix was shortening. A couple days after the appointment where I heard that diagnosis, I rushed to the hospital due to severe back pain. I remember Paul and I soberly discussing baby names in the car -- if we were losing the baby right then, we wanted him to have a name.
I remember waiting for cerclage surgery the next day. I talked to the high risk maternal fetal medicine specialist and asked her if I even had a shot at survival for the baby. She said she was "cautiously optimistic".
I remember talking to my friend Nancy before my surgery, who walked me through what would happen if my baby didn't make it (it's helpful to have a friend who logged time as a NICU chaplain and had a micropreemie of her own).
I remember a week later -- 4 weeks ago -- when the bleeding that should have stopped two days after surgery was still happening. I started to feel like the hemorrhaging woman in the Gospels, and I began praying that Christ would heal my bleeding as well. I was sent back to the hospital for observation.
And here I am, several weeks later. Still on bed rest, still a little scared. But I'm stable. No bleeding. No imminent labor. No hospital. And I am so, so thankful.
9.16.2010
Powerlessness
Every night this week, I've lain in bed and listened to my little boy cough, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted so badly to comfort Ian through his cold, but right now I can't hold him or get up to wipe his nose or get him a drink of water.
Two weeks ago I watched as Ian fussed in his high chair, waiting for someone to rescue him from its confines. He was done eating breakfast and had dropped his sippy cup, and all I could do was talk to him soothingly and hope someone would come to get him soon.
My friends, I definitely have been feeling powerless.
I think powerlessness is the basic human state. We have very little control over what happens every day, despite our (or at least my) thinking. We are powerless, but not helpless, based on the grace of a loving God. But we are certainly not in control.
You guys, I don't do powerlessness.
I am a total control freak. Have been one for as long as I can remember. I want the world to run my way and in my timing. I've been struggling with surrendering my illusions of control for years, but those illusions keep reappearing in my brain.
Perhaps this is a time God will use to show me a deeper form of surrender.
What I can tell you so far is that it hurts. I am devastated every time I can't be the mommy I want to be for Ian. I want to be the one who does everything for my little boy.
And I have to let go.
Two weeks ago I watched as Ian fussed in his high chair, waiting for someone to rescue him from its confines. He was done eating breakfast and had dropped his sippy cup, and all I could do was talk to him soothingly and hope someone would come to get him soon.
My friends, I definitely have been feeling powerless.
I think powerlessness is the basic human state. We have very little control over what happens every day, despite our (or at least my) thinking. We are powerless, but not helpless, based on the grace of a loving God. But we are certainly not in control.
You guys, I don't do powerlessness.
I am a total control freak. Have been one for as long as I can remember. I want the world to run my way and in my timing. I've been struggling with surrendering my illusions of control for years, but those illusions keep reappearing in my brain.
Perhaps this is a time God will use to show me a deeper form of surrender.
What I can tell you so far is that it hurts. I am devastated every time I can't be the mommy I want to be for Ian. I want to be the one who does everything for my little boy.
And I have to let go.
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.
-Relient K, "Let It All Out"
9.14.2010
How to Help
A lot of you have asked how you can help us during this crazy time. Sometimes it's hard for us to figure out what we need. We are blessed to have a lot of family in Nashville, and they have been invaluable to us. However, we appreciate the offers of help (and the help provided) from the rest of you as well!
Overall we are blessed with an abundance. And speaking of abundance, right now we don't need much that's not on this list...several wonderful people have brought me books, DVDs, and fun gifts, and I need to work through those piles before receiving any more. My little bedside command station is rather crowded already. Since we're also trying to sell our house, we're trying to keep our intake of "stuff" down to a minimum, so any surprises that we need put somewhere can be challenging.
Here are a few ways you might be able to help, if you feel so moved. No pressure, though!
- Prayer. Please pray not only for the health of baby #2, but also for Paul, me, Ian, and everyone helping us. This can be a tense and stressful time, and we all need extra grace for each other (and extra sleep).
- Blog Comments. I love reading your comments! I am encouraged to keep sharing my experiences whenever you let me know you've stopped by. Thank you!
- Food (Sometimes). My mother and Paul's mom are doing a great job keeping us stocked with groceries and meals, but eventually we may take you up on those offers of home-cooked dinners. No offense if we don't, though -- it just means that our freezer is still full.
- Visits (Sometimes). Sometimes it's great to have visitors to keep us company, and sometimes it's not. Having friends stop by for a movie or a good conversation can keep things feeling normal for us. We especially could use visits from people who don't mind chasing Ian around for 20 or 30 minutes at night or on the weekend. However, sometimes we've been so dependent on so much outside help that we crave time with our tiny family unit, just on our own.
- Home Repairs. We're still hoping to sell our house, either this fall or next summer. Paul and our parents are so busy taking care of, well, everything, that there's not much time for those extra touches to the house. We could use help cleaning the walls, touching up paint, and replacing door knobs and light switches. For the truly brave (and experienced), we have two bathroom ceilings that need to be mudded and floated (check out the picture). We have most of the supplies, just not the time.
-Lawncare. Right now we are paying someone to mow our lawn (extra important since our house is on the market). However, we definitely welcome volunteers so we can skip that expense once in awhile. You are welcome to use our lawnmower. Weeding our flowerbeds and trimming our hedges would be great, too!
- Doggie Playtime. Poor Cameron. He really doesn't get any attention these days other than being fed, and he is such a good boy. I would love for someone to come over and play with him. You don't even have to brave his fenced area -- just pet his head through the fence and play fetch with him a few times. If you want to take him for a walk, even better!
- Entertainment Recommendations. Even though I don't need any of the actual books, movies, or music, I'd love to hear your recommendations for stuff I should check out.
- Stuff. Okay, we really don't need that much stuff, but some of you love to give gifts, and I won't stop you! You can check out my Kaboodle lists here. In fact, I made a special list of things that specifically would be helpful or fun while I'm on bed rest, from magazines to housecleaning gift certificates. (And if you want to treat the guys to something, you can see their wishlists here: Paul | Ian.)
Thanks again for all of your love. I feel surrounded by friends right now, and I am grateful.
Overall we are blessed with an abundance. And speaking of abundance, right now we don't need much that's not on this list...several wonderful people have brought me books, DVDs, and fun gifts, and I need to work through those piles before receiving any more. My little bedside command station is rather crowded already. Since we're also trying to sell our house, we're trying to keep our intake of "stuff" down to a minimum, so any surprises that we need put somewhere can be challenging.
Here are a few ways you might be able to help, if you feel so moved. No pressure, though!
- Prayer. Please pray not only for the health of baby #2, but also for Paul, me, Ian, and everyone helping us. This can be a tense and stressful time, and we all need extra grace for each other (and extra sleep).
- Blog Comments. I love reading your comments! I am encouraged to keep sharing my experiences whenever you let me know you've stopped by. Thank you!
- Food (Sometimes). My mother and Paul's mom are doing a great job keeping us stocked with groceries and meals, but eventually we may take you up on those offers of home-cooked dinners. No offense if we don't, though -- it just means that our freezer is still full.
- Visits (Sometimes). Sometimes it's great to have visitors to keep us company, and sometimes it's not. Having friends stop by for a movie or a good conversation can keep things feeling normal for us. We especially could use visits from people who don't mind chasing Ian around for 20 or 30 minutes at night or on the weekend. However, sometimes we've been so dependent on so much outside help that we crave time with our tiny family unit, just on our own.
- Home Repairs. We're still hoping to sell our house, either this fall or next summer. Paul and our parents are so busy taking care of, well, everything, that there's not much time for those extra touches to the house. We could use help cleaning the walls, touching up paint, and replacing door knobs and light switches. For the truly brave (and experienced), we have two bathroom ceilings that need to be mudded and floated (check out the picture). We have most of the supplies, just not the time.
-Lawncare. Right now we are paying someone to mow our lawn (extra important since our house is on the market). However, we definitely welcome volunteers so we can skip that expense once in awhile. You are welcome to use our lawnmower. Weeding our flowerbeds and trimming our hedges would be great, too!
- Doggie Playtime. Poor Cameron. He really doesn't get any attention these days other than being fed, and he is such a good boy. I would love for someone to come over and play with him. You don't even have to brave his fenced area -- just pet his head through the fence and play fetch with him a few times. If you want to take him for a walk, even better!
- Entertainment Recommendations. Even though I don't need any of the actual books, movies, or music, I'd love to hear your recommendations for stuff I should check out.
- Stuff. Okay, we really don't need that much stuff, but some of you love to give gifts, and I won't stop you! You can check out my Kaboodle lists here. In fact, I made a special list of things that specifically would be helpful or fun while I'm on bed rest, from magazines to housecleaning gift certificates. (And if you want to treat the guys to something, you can see their wishlists here: Paul | Ian.)
Thanks again for all of your love. I feel surrounded by friends right now, and I am grateful.
9.11.2010
Random Post
I have a couple of long posts I am trying to formulate, and that usually creates a bit of writer's block for me. I procrastinate the big posts and then don't end up posting at all. So I figured a tiny post is better than nothing.
I'm really thankful for all the help and encouragement from you guys. Whether you are watching Ian, taking me to appointments, bringing food, or just providing some company, I really appreciate it.
I've gotten some fun packages in the mail, and those have been a treat. Paul ordered some fun clothes for me, and my aunt sent me a package with lots of tiny gifts so I could open one each day. Today I got Austrian playing cards, an Austrian IKEA catalog, and an Austrian coloring book from my sister-in-law (the one that, um, lives in Austria).
And now, for your viewing pleasure -- Ian headbanging to Smooth Criminal.
I'm really thankful for all the help and encouragement from you guys. Whether you are watching Ian, taking me to appointments, bringing food, or just providing some company, I really appreciate it.
I've gotten some fun packages in the mail, and those have been a treat. Paul ordered some fun clothes for me, and my aunt sent me a package with lots of tiny gifts so I could open one each day. Today I got Austrian playing cards, an Austrian IKEA catalog, and an Austrian coloring book from my sister-in-law (the one that, um, lives in Austria).
And now, for your viewing pleasure -- Ian headbanging to Smooth Criminal.
9.10.2010
I'm Eating Too Much (And That's Okay)
I really like my OB.
He's very detailed-oriented and cautious, just like I am, and he's pretty good at dealing with my high-anxiety personality.
At my appointment yesterday, I asked him if I need to make any dietary changes since I'm stuck in bed all day.
He looked at my charts, and said, "Well, at this point you've gained -- can I say it out loud?"
I nodded.
"Well, at this point you've gained [x-amount], and that is a little ahead of schedule. That's to be expected, though, since you've been on bed rest for several weeks, but you could look at reducing your caloric intake a little bit."
He continued, "Really, though, you're this mask of strength every time I see you. But this is a really hard time, and some women in this situation turn to eating as a way of comforting themselves. I'm not going to take that away from you."
Wow. Now normally I am all for healthy nutrition and discouraging obesity and all that, but my OB's statement was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear. His words reminded me that our goal here is a healthy baby and healthy mommy -- physically and emotionally -- and if my biggest worry at the end of this journey is a few extra pounds to shed, that's a cause for celebration.
I really needed to hear that perspective. I avoided exercise throughout the crazy heat of the summer, thinking Ian and I would take walks this fall. Even before bed rest I was on track to gain a lot more weight with this baby than I did with Ian, and since I've been confined to bed I've been worrying about losing all my muscle mass and gaining tons of weight. I appreciated the reminder of why I am doing this in the first place.
I am trying to manage my nutrition a little bit better, remembering that I don't have to finish every meal someone brings me and occasionally declining a sweet snack. But yes, it is nice to know that a small amount of emotional eating -- in this particular case -- is doctor-approved.
He's very detailed-oriented and cautious, just like I am, and he's pretty good at dealing with my high-anxiety personality.
At my appointment yesterday, I asked him if I need to make any dietary changes since I'm stuck in bed all day.
He looked at my charts, and said, "Well, at this point you've gained -- can I say it out loud?"
I nodded.
"Well, at this point you've gained [x-amount], and that is a little ahead of schedule. That's to be expected, though, since you've been on bed rest for several weeks, but you could look at reducing your caloric intake a little bit."
He continued, "Really, though, you're this mask of strength every time I see you. But this is a really hard time, and some women in this situation turn to eating as a way of comforting themselves. I'm not going to take that away from you."
Wow. Now normally I am all for healthy nutrition and discouraging obesity and all that, but my OB's statement was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear. His words reminded me that our goal here is a healthy baby and healthy mommy -- physically and emotionally -- and if my biggest worry at the end of this journey is a few extra pounds to shed, that's a cause for celebration.
I really needed to hear that perspective. I avoided exercise throughout the crazy heat of the summer, thinking Ian and I would take walks this fall. Even before bed rest I was on track to gain a lot more weight with this baby than I did with Ian, and since I've been confined to bed I've been worrying about losing all my muscle mass and gaining tons of weight. I appreciated the reminder of why I am doing this in the first place.
I am trying to manage my nutrition a little bit better, remembering that I don't have to finish every meal someone brings me and occasionally declining a sweet snack. But yes, it is nice to know that a small amount of emotional eating -- in this particular case -- is doctor-approved.
9.07.2010
Superhero, Not Sidekick
For several years now, I've had a sidekick. Loa the cat follows me everywhere I go in our house, faithfully trailing along in adoration and dependence.
When Ian was a young infant, I imagined when we would be the same way -- he trailing by my side, helping me as I went throughout the day.
I should have known from his first few kicks in the womb -- my oldest son is not a sidekick, he is a superhero.
He knows where he wants to go and want he wants to do. He is undaunted by any challenge, be it ferocious cat or heavy ottoman. He is a champion of doing what's right, whether putting away toys or helping lock puzzle pieces in place. And, like all superheroes (and toddlers), he has those classic, angst-filled mood swings.
I find myself providing support, scheduling, supplies, and advice. I am relegated to the roll of Alfred Pennyworth. And you know? It fits me quite well. Sure, I still have my own interests, my own special skills. But I love equipping my son to be the person he is meant to be.
I'm not really fond of flying anyway.
But Ian? He's a different story.
When Ian was a young infant, I imagined when we would be the same way -- he trailing by my side, helping me as I went throughout the day.
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| Able to conquer pull toys with his bare teeth! |
I should have known from his first few kicks in the womb -- my oldest son is not a sidekick, he is a superhero.
He knows where he wants to go and want he wants to do. He is undaunted by any challenge, be it ferocious cat or heavy ottoman. He is a champion of doing what's right, whether putting away toys or helping lock puzzle pieces in place. And, like all superheroes (and toddlers), he has those classic, angst-filled mood swings.
I find myself providing support, scheduling, supplies, and advice. I am relegated to the roll of Alfred Pennyworth. And you know? It fits me quite well. Sure, I still have my own interests, my own special skills. But I love equipping my son to be the person he is meant to be.
I'm not really fond of flying anyway.
But Ian? He's a different story.
9.06.2010
From the other side
Y'all have heard me grouse about the whole bedrest situation for a couple of weeks now. Here's a beautiful post in which my husband wrote his perspective:
Wherein I Explain My Actions
Wherein I Explain My Actions
9.05.2010
Missing
Sometimes, when writing these posts, I feel obligated to balance my complaining with gratitude. And while I think gratitude is an essential part of a healthy life, I want to give myself the freedom to write about being hurt or sad without drudging up some gratitude to go along with it. Just know that you get to see some of the worst of my days here, where I need to share, while the gratitude often comes in quite moments away from the computer.
Today I have been very sad about missing the next few months of Ian's life. I mean, sure, I'm here, and he wanders in and out of my room all day. But I don't get to be Ian's mommy the way I want to be his mommy. When I see him running down the hall or hear him trying out new words, I'm both delighted and sad. I'm so excited to see him grow, but I'm depressed that I only get a bedside view.
I know that I'll love the next phase of Ian's life just as much as this one, but part of me is very jealous for this phase, the right now. To quote my melodramatic mind, "he'll never be this age again."
I'm also mourning the loss of the last few months of Ian as an only child. I was looking forward to keeping him lots of extra special time this fall before his little brother arrives, and now he'll have to share me almost as soon as I get out of bed. (Don't worry, buddy, we'll do a Mommy/Ian Predators game this spring.)
Anyway, that's where I am today. Thanks for listening.
Today I have been very sad about missing the next few months of Ian's life. I mean, sure, I'm here, and he wanders in and out of my room all day. But I don't get to be Ian's mommy the way I want to be his mommy. When I see him running down the hall or hear him trying out new words, I'm both delighted and sad. I'm so excited to see him grow, but I'm depressed that I only get a bedside view.
I know that I'll love the next phase of Ian's life just as much as this one, but part of me is very jealous for this phase, the right now. To quote my melodramatic mind, "he'll never be this age again."
I'm also mourning the loss of the last few months of Ian as an only child. I was looking forward to keeping him lots of extra special time this fall before his little brother arrives, and now he'll have to share me almost as soon as I get out of bed. (Don't worry, buddy, we'll do a Mommy/Ian Predators game this spring.)
Anyway, that's where I am today. Thanks for listening.
9.04.2010
Beautiful Day
The weather is beautiful today, and I am delighted and wistful.
I happened to see a headline in a newsletter today about the best snacks to take to the playground with a toddler. That renewed my mourning about this fall, about all the plans I had for Ian.
I am grateful for the weather, though, and grateful that we can open our windows so I can experience a bit of this pre-fall day. I'm grateful that Ian has a wonderful daddy who loves to play with him and knows how to elicit streams of giggles.
We'll get through this, one day at a time.
I happened to see a headline in a newsletter today about the best snacks to take to the playground with a toddler. That renewed my mourning about this fall, about all the plans I had for Ian.
I am grateful for the weather, though, and grateful that we can open our windows so I can experience a bit of this pre-fall day. I'm grateful that Ian has a wonderful daddy who loves to play with him and knows how to elicit streams of giggles.
We'll get through this, one day at a time.
9.02.2010
Old and New
Last night we slept with the windows open. Laying in bed, listening to the fan in the window, I could almost imagine I was 10 and sleeping in the back bedroom of my grandparents' house. Add the chirping and croaking of insects and frogs, and lowing from nearby cattle. Instead of my new mattress and bamboo sheets, I could feel the soft, springy mattress and ancient quilts that made the guest bed at the old house in Alabama.
9.01.2010
A Conspiracy
I found out yesterday that a sweet friend also is experiencing some difficulties with her pregnancy.
What on earth.
So many of my friends have had difficult pregnancies or difficulty conceiving. Honestly, I'm reminded of one of my favorite sci-fi episodes when I think about our collective experiences. (Not telling which show or which episode, because I don't want to spoil a terrific plotline.)
I don't know why this happens -- if it is more frequent right now or if we all have risk factors in common. My guess is that as medical technology improves and infant and maternal mortality rates decrease, pregnancies that used to end in tragedy now are just extremely difficult. But at least nowadays they have a much happier ending (see Becca the wonder girl).
If you are the praying type, maybe say some prayers today for women who have struggled or are currently struggling with these issues. At least in my experience, the prayers of friends and the grace of God are keeping me afloat on this ever-changing river.
What on earth.
So many of my friends have had difficult pregnancies or difficulty conceiving. Honestly, I'm reminded of one of my favorite sci-fi episodes when I think about our collective experiences. (Not telling which show or which episode, because I don't want to spoil a terrific plotline.)
I don't know why this happens -- if it is more frequent right now or if we all have risk factors in common. My guess is that as medical technology improves and infant and maternal mortality rates decrease, pregnancies that used to end in tragedy now are just extremely difficult. But at least nowadays they have a much happier ending (see Becca the wonder girl).
If you are the praying type, maybe say some prayers today for women who have struggled or are currently struggling with these issues. At least in my experience, the prayers of friends and the grace of God are keeping me afloat on this ever-changing river.
Whiney Post
I'm so frustrated that all this is happening during my favorite time of the year.
Photo courtesy of Paul Nicholson.
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