First-Time Mom

This month I'm entering a new experience -- parenting a 17-month old. Perhaps that is stating things a bit dramatically, but the wording feels right to me.

When Ian turned 17 months old, I had just been put on bed rest. Up until then, he was my buddy. We would drive around East Nashville, running errands and saying hi to friends. He would endure my couponing grocery runs like a champ. We had daily dance parties to Daft Punk songs.

When I was first told to "take it easy and keep my feet up," I felt daunted at the prospect of keeping up with my energetic toddler without overexerting myself. Once I was admitted to the hospital with premature labor, I was so shocked and scared that I didn't think about much other than my unborn child. After a few days of bed rest, however, I was struck with the thought of being merely an observer for 5 months of my oldest child's life.

Many tearful days followed. Thanks to the amazing kindness of my husband, my family, and my friends, Ian had loving hands to guide him through his days. I did get to encourage him to drink his milk from afar and sing silly songs while he sat in his high chair, but backyard swinging and outside playing and hockey gaming were out of my reach.

I still get a lump in my throat thinking about those days. I worry that you, dear reader, will judge me for my drama. After all, I now have two beautiful, healthy children, and I get to play with them every single day. Indeed , I am blessed.

But I am truly excited to get to parent a 17-month old (and an 18-, 19-, 20-, and 21-month old) for the first time. I think this is going to be a wild ride.

Bouncing Back from Bed Rest....or Not

So my plan to bounce back from bed rest has become more like wandering aimlessly in a direction generally away from bed rest.

I'm still attending hula hoop classes, which are mostly fun but occasionally discouraging when my muscles just won't cooperate. We joined the Y last week, so I attended half a zumba class last Saturday. Yes, I only managed to wheeze my way through 30 minutes before deciding I better stop before I passed out. I called my friend Ariana in frustration and proclaimed that I am going to have to attend the "old people zumba class". Yes, it exists, and yes, I'm really thinking I would benefit from attending. I had imagined doing some high intensity exercise 2 or 3 times a week and watching the baby weight melt away, but I think I need to revise my expectations.

I'm definitely struggling with my self-image. My body shape is very different than it has ever been. I've lost a lot of my baby/ bed rest weight from most of my body, but the pounds are clinging to my stomach. While I've definitely never had a washboard tummy, I'm used to being a curvy girl with a nicely defined waist. I guess I sorta still have a waist, but I'm quite thick around the middle right now. I feel totally shallow saying this, but it's hard to look in the mirror and see something so different. Not to mention trying to find clothes that fit....my normal pants are too small, but when I try on a bigger size my pants fall off. Perhaps I need to make this the year of the dress.

The emotional toll of bed rest is still a challenge as well. Having a newborn is tough -- often there are months of being a homebody, having little to no intimacy with one's spouse, being exhausted all the time, and experiencing social isolation. The saving grace is that after two or three (or four) months, things start to get better and life falls into a new normal. But with bed rest preceding the arrival of the newborn, I feel like I've been in that tired, isolated place for, oh, say, seven months. And that's hard. I miss my husband, and I miss hanging out with friends, and I miss......um.......my short term memory.

I don't regret doing the bed rest. It's totally worth it to have this amazing little baby. I know I am so lucky that my baby is one of the ones that made it. But gosh, you guys, this is hard.

Another Trial, But I'll Take It

My new baby boy is absolutely perfect.

Except he's not.

When David arrived on the scene, he surprised us all by having an odd "birthmark" at the base of his spine. It looks like a skin tag or mole over a lump in his skin. In the operating room, the doctors and nurses took some extra time to check the mark out to make sure it wasn't open to the spine or anything immediately dangerous.

Our pediatrician was concerned about the area, in part because he couldn't classify it. It could have been a harmless birthmark or something more serious. And so David was scheduled to have an ultrasound on his back at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital as soon as we were discharged from the hospital. We didn't even get to go home first.

The ultrasound gave us a few answers. The area isn't a simple birthmark, as we had hoped, but it isn't anything immediately threatening. It's a small tag of fatty tissue on top of a bundle of extra nerves that are connected to the spine. So while we're thankful it's nothing terribly serious, it's also not something that can be ignored.

At first our pediatrician scheduled us to have an MRI two days later to give us more information, and he warned us that surgery might be necessary in the next couple of weeks. Apparently there is concern that the nerves could pull on David's spinal cord and cause problems.

However, when the pediatric neurologist saw David's scans, he decided that he would like to do a consultation with us first before any scans or talk of surgery. We are scheduled to meet with the neurologist in early February, so apparently things look good enough for us to wait a few weeks.

I am very thankful to have a month at home with my family, without worrying about surgery or other plans. I am deliberately not googling what we do know about David's back, because I'd rather have answers from professionals than get worried about speculations on the internet.

If I think about it, I am terrified at the prospect of David having surgery. So for today, I'm not thinking about it. Today, I'm focusing on my gratitude that David is healthy in every other way. He truly is so amazing. He is my little boy.

Announcing David Andrew Nicholson

My new little boy is here! He was born on January 10, 2011, at 8:30am. He weighed 7 lbs, 13 ounces, and was 21 inches long.

He is absolutely beautiful and has found a special place in all of our hearts. I am so grateful!

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. And I don't particularly care. I mean, I care a little bit. I've gotten some lovely well wishes from friends and terrific gifts from family. But I'm having a baby in 3 days, and that tends to overshadow everything else.

I'm planning some more celebratory fun for after the baby arrives. I'll probably go out to eat somewhere interesting, and my mom has promised me a Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake after baby arrives (I'm on restricted sugar until then).

I have a lot of posts in my head, so I may schedule them out over the next few days while I am in the hospital. So no, if you see a post pop up on Monday, I'm probably not blogging post-partum. Although I will try to post a picture of my new cutie ASAP.

Winter of My Discontent

The last few weeks of this pregnancy are turning out to be very frustrating. Not for any particular reason -- happily, baby and I are very healthy. I'm just so restless.

I was hoping to be set free from bed rest this past Monday, but no such luck. My doctor is out of town this weekend, and he would rather me not go into labor while he is gone. I'm good with that reasoning; I trust my doctor and really want him to do the delivery. Plus, baby really needs to cook an extra week if possible and make it to 37 weeks. Nonetheless, I was disappointed to find out I still have restrictions this week.

I did get a few more bits of freedom, though. I've been allowed to get up to make a sandwich or just stretch my legs for 10 minutes for the past couple of weeks. This week my doctor gave me permission to make a few outings in a wheelchair -- shopping, hockey game, etc. -- as long as I didn't walk around. So even though I still have to lay down much of the day, I am grateful for these new developments.

All the same, I am frustrated and moody much of the day. I want to be up, organizing the house, preparing for baby, wrapping gifts! It feels so odd to be almost done but not quite there. In the mornings I wake up and think, "Oh, I need to get out of bed, because I should get up and......um.....well.....nothing, I guess. I just need to lay here."


As discontented as I am, though, I think about the rest of the quote I used in my title -


"Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this son of York;"

I remind myself that this winter of discontent will be made summer, by the birth of my son and the birth of THE Son of God, who paid for failings of my human nature.

Things I Expect Someone to Bring Me After I Have the Baby

• Brownies
• A Deli Sandwich
• Donuts - Pumpkin Spice, Plain Cake, and Plain Glazed
• Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Cake
• Chocolate Milk
• M&M Sonic Blast

Friends Who Say No

In previous posts I've expressed my gratitude for all the amazing help we have received while I've been on bedrest. Our friends and family have carried us through this time with their assistance and prayers, and I am very thankful.

But there's one aspect for which I specifically want to thank some of you....

Thank you for saying no.

Sometimes I ask for help, and you aren't available. Perhaps you are taking care of your own sick child, or perhaps you have to work. Maybe you just need a day off. So you say no.

And I really, really appreciate it.

You see, in my current position, I have to ask for help a lot. I can't worry and analyze whether the person I am asking really wants to help or whether they're just being "nice" and will resent me for it later. The openness and honesty required for a friend to be able to say, "No, we can't help you today" is becoming something I value more and more. Your willingness to say no gives me the space to ask for help freely, with no sense of obligation on either side -- just compassion and community.

I think I place extra value on the willingness to say no because it is something at which I have never been very good. For most of my life I have tended to say yes when I didn't mean it and become resentful, or -- more frequently -- just shut down and become unwilling to help in general because I couldn't trust myself to set healthy boundaries with my decisions.

Seeing so many of you surround me with grace and love in both your "yeses" and your "nos" is an inspiring gift that I hope I treasure always. Thank you.

My "Normal" Doctor Appointment

On Monday, I got to go to a normal doctor appointment.

For the past 4 months, I have had an OB or MFM appointment at least every two weeks, often once a week. At every appointment, save two extra checkups to monitor me for gestational diabetes, I have had an ultrasound (and not just the cute tummy ultrasound, either, if you know what I mean). One memorable week at the beginning of this journey, I had 4 ultrasounds in 8 days.

So when my doctor suggested we forgo an ultrasound and do a regular exam for this week's appointment I grinned and said, "Absolutely!"


On Monday, I got to go to one office instead of two. On Monday, I got to hear my baby's heartbeat with a doppler. On Monday, I got to have my belly measured. It was just an ordinary OB exam. It was wonderful.

And the best part of all? I got put on modified bed rest. I'm still mostly restricted to the bed, but I can get up to make a sandwich or walk around the house for a couple of minutes. I try to limit myself to 10 minutes every hour so I don't overdo it (yes, this workaholic needs her boundaries!), and I still can't do housework, but I am so happy to have a tiny bit of freedom back. Using the microwave has never been so empowering!

28

I'm now 28 weeks pregnant. 28.5, actually. Wow. I'm so thankful. Ten weeks ago, I wasn't at all sure I would make it. I've only now started to allow myself to think about what the new baby might need or how his room might look.

A friend actually brought me a "Happy 28" cookie cake, which was wonderful and fun.

It's funny to step back and look at all the strange thoughts rattling around in my head. Last night I caught myself hoping that this baby will be "normal" and have an easy time breastfeeding, unlike Ian.



Normal? Ian was about an normal as a baby can get. In fact, he was rather healthily beyond normal, arriving at 40 weeks, weighing 9.5 lbs, scoring a 9 and a 10 on his Apgar, and sleeping through the night when he was a few months old (okay, you can stop hating me now, I know how lucky I am!). Our nursing issues were the only rough spot in a very bright and easy first year.

When Ian was born, I mourned that he had to be induced and that he ended up as a C-section (his manly head and shoulders were a little too big for my body). From the start of this pregnancy I knew I would probably have another C-section, since those issues have a high rate of recurrence. It's funny, though -- I remember telling Paul in the first trimester that I hoped I would at least have the chance to go into labor and do the mad dash to the hospital instead of having a scheduled C-section, just so I could have that experience.

Ahem.

A mad dash to the hospital at 17 weeks was not the idea of labor I had in my head.

So here I am, 28 weeks, immensely grateful that at this point I am likely to have a "normal baby" -- meaning a baby I can someday hold in my arms, even if not right away. A baby who will eventually learn to walk and talk even if it's a little delayed, who I can get to know over the course of several years, not a few short minutes. 

Yes, I am glad to be here.

P.S. - Public service reminder -- If you have a newborn in your life, especially a preemie, remember to get your flu shot and possibly your pertussis booster as well. Lots of people work really hard to get these babies here safely, so let's do our part to keep them healthy!

Week in Review

Hi,  peeps.

Wow, I feel like I have a had a really crazy week. Just lots of little and big stress events combining to throw life into a bit of a whirlwing.

Baby #2 and I are good, though. My OB today said that January 10 is our best-case delivery date (39 weeks), but that I need to prepare for a December baby. I'll take it!

I feel so incredibly huge. I've heard my friends with multiple kids talk about feeling (and actually being) bigger with their second (and so on) pregnancies, but to experience it is quite odd. I feel like I was this big at 36 weeks with Ian, and I'm not sure how my poor belly is going to stretch for another 3 months' worth of growth.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Some of my reading has been research into creating traditions for my kids that reflect my beliefs, from special holidays to everyday habits. This is one of those "heavy weight of responsibility" parts of parenting for me. I mean, there is joy to be had in telling my children about my beliefs, but I feel a burden to create family traditions that are meaningful and sincere, not half-baked awkward attempts. Sigh.

I am so happy it's fall, despite being stuck inside. Fall is the best. Oh, and my friends that brought me pumpkin juice and butter beer for a Harry Potter marathon on Saturday? They're the best, too.

Help for High-Risk Pregnancies

During this bed rest journey, I am so grateful for the many resources available to help families experiencing high risk pregnancies. This is a hard road for many reasons; for me, finding support means finding sanity. I thought I would list a few of the resources I have found helpful and invite you to list things that may have helped you during a similar time.

Babycenter Boards -- Much to my surprise, the specialized boards on Babycenter have been an amazing support for me. In addition to my "January 2010 Birth Club" group, I am a member of groups for Cervical Disorders and Bed Rest. The fellowship on these boards remind me of when I would go out to dinner with a group of women every week. This is a great place for me to turn late at night when I'm feeling discouraged.

Inspire -- Nancy told me about this site, which has another set of support groups for sharing specific issues. From what I've seen, this has a little bit less idle chatter than the Babycenter Boards and more of a focused feel.

Sidelines -- This organization specializes in providing support to women in high risk pregnancies by pairing them with a mentor who has been through a similar situation. I have an email buddy who was on long-term on bed rest with an incompetent cervix, and she's quick to offer encouragement and a listening ear when I need it. Sidelines always has helpful articles and a list of books, including books for older chlildren experiencing a mom on bed rest.

Parents Reaching Out -- I'm just starting to learn about this organization, but it seems to be a local Nashville group that provides peer counseling for high risk pregnancies and parents with NICU babies.

Mommy Blogs -- Nancy and Mollie are two bloggers who are very inspiring to me during this journey. I've found some other helpful blogs by googling my city and "bed rest" and other key words. It may sound silly, but hearing similar stories from moms who live near me helps me escape the isolation I sometimes feel.

Books -- I just read Days in Waiting, and it has some great tips for surviving long-term bed rest. I wish I had read it 2 months ago! The book also has advice on being an advocate for yourself during hospital bed rest. Nancy lent me Preemies: The Essential Guide for Parents of Premature Babies in case I end up needing it, and I've already found the information in there useful as I wonder what to expect.

Unexpected Blessings -- Of course, sometimes one never can tell from whence strength for the next day will come. Tonight I was reading a book that quoted the hymn "O Let Your Soul Now Be Filled with Gladness," and somehow that was exactly what I needed to hear.

~~~

In addition to listing some things that are helping me through my pregnancy, I also wanted to note that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month. To all the brave families out there who have suffered a loss in their lives -- your babies are not forgotten!

Please feel free to share with me what helped you through difficult time with your pregnancy, loss, or infertility.

Thankfulness

Yeah, bed rest stinks, but when I think about where I was a month ago, I am immensely grateful to be here.

Five weeks ago I had just found out my cervix was shortening. A couple days after the appointment where I heard that diagnosis, I rushed to the hospital due to severe back pain. I remember Paul and I soberly discussing baby names in the car -- if we were losing the baby right then, we wanted him to have a name.

I remember waiting for cerclage surgery the next day. I talked to the high risk maternal fetal medicine specialist and asked her if I even had a shot at survival for the baby. She said she was "cautiously optimistic".

I remember talking to my friend Nancy before my surgery, who walked me through what would happen if my baby didn't make it (it's helpful to have a friend who logged time as a NICU chaplain and had a micropreemie of her own).

I remember a week later -- 4 weeks ago -- when the bleeding that should have stopped two days after surgery was still happening. I started to feel like the hemorrhaging woman in the Gospels, and I began praying that Christ would heal my bleeding as well. I was sent back to the hospital for observation.

And here I am, several weeks later. Still on bed rest, still a little scared. But I'm stable. No bleeding. No imminent labor. No hospital. And I am so, so thankful.

How to Help

A lot of you have asked how you can help us during this crazy time. Sometimes it's hard for us to figure out what we need. We are blessed to have a lot of family in Nashville, and they have been invaluable to us. However, we appreciate the offers of help (and the help provided) from the rest of you as well!

Overall we are blessed with an abundance. And speaking of abundance, right now we don't need much that's not on this list...several wonderful people have brought me books, DVDs, and fun gifts, and I need to work through those piles before receiving any more. My little bedside command station is rather crowded already. Since we're also trying to sell our house, we're trying to keep our intake of "stuff" down to a minimum, so any surprises that we need put somewhere can be challenging.

Here are a few ways you might be able to help, if you feel so moved. No pressure, though!

- Prayer. Please pray not only for the health of baby #2, but also for Paul, me, Ian, and everyone helping us. This can be a tense and stressful time, and we all need extra grace for each other (and extra sleep).


- Blog Comments. I love reading your comments! I am encouraged to keep sharing my experiences whenever you let me know you've stopped by. Thank you!

- Food (Sometimes). My mother and Paul's mom are doing a great job keeping us stocked with groceries and meals, but eventually we may take you up on those offers of home-cooked dinners. No offense if we don't, though -- it just means that our freezer is still full.

- Visits (Sometimes). Sometimes it's great to have visitors to keep us company, and sometimes it's not. Having friends stop by for a movie or a good conversation can keep things feeling normal for us. We especially could use visits from people who don't mind chasing Ian around for 20 or 30 minutes at night or on the weekend. However, sometimes we've been so dependent on so much outside help that we crave time with our tiny family unit, just on our own.


- Home Repairs. We're still hoping to sell our house, either this fall or next summer. Paul and our parents are so busy taking care of, well, everything, that there's not much time for those extra touches to the house. We could use help cleaning the walls, touching up paint, and replacing door knobs and light switches. For the truly brave (and experienced), we have two bathroom ceilings that need to be mudded and floated (check out the picture). We have most of the supplies, just not the time.

-Lawncare. Right now we are paying someone to mow our lawn (extra important since our house is on the market). However, we definitely welcome volunteers so we can skip that expense once in awhile. You are welcome to use our lawnmower. Weeding our flowerbeds and trimming our hedges would be great, too!


- Doggie Playtime. Poor Cameron. He really doesn't get any attention these days other than being fed, and he is such a good boy. I would love for someone to come over and play with him. You don't even have to brave his fenced area -- just pet his head through the fence and play fetch with him a few times. If you want to take him for a walk, even better!

- Entertainment Recommendations. Even though I don't need any of the actual books, movies, or music, I'd love to hear your recommendations for stuff I should check out.

- Stuff. Okay, we really don't need that much stuff, but some of you love to give gifts, and I won't stop you! You can check out my Kaboodle lists here. In fact, I made a special list of things that specifically would be helpful or fun while I'm on bed rest, from magazines to housecleaning gift certificates. (And if you want to treat the guys to something, you can see their wishlists here: Paul | Ian.)

Thanks again for all of your love. I feel surrounded by friends right now, and I am grateful.

I'm Eating Too Much (And That's Okay)

I really like my OB.

He's very detailed-oriented and cautious, just like I am, and he's pretty good at dealing with my high-anxiety personality.

At my appointment yesterday, I asked him if I need to make any dietary changes since I'm stuck in bed all day.

He looked at my charts, and said, "Well, at this point you've gained -- can I say it out loud?"

I nodded.

"Well, at this point you've gained [x-amount], and that is a little ahead of schedule. That's to be expected, though, since you've been on bed rest for several weeks, but you could look at reducing your caloric intake a little bit."

He continued, "Really, though, you're this mask of strength every time I see you. But this is a really hard time, and some women in this situation turn to eating as a way of comforting themselves. I'm not going to take that away from you."

Wow. Now normally I am all for healthy nutrition and discouraging obesity and all that, but my OB's statement was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear. His words reminded me that our goal here is a healthy baby and healthy mommy -- physically and emotionally -- and if my biggest worry at the end of this journey is a few extra pounds to shed, that's a cause for celebration.

I really needed to hear that perspective. I avoided exercise throughout the crazy heat of the summer, thinking Ian and I would take walks this fall. Even before bed rest I was on track to gain a lot more weight with this baby than I did with Ian, and since I've been confined to bed I've been worrying about losing all my muscle mass and gaining tons of weight. I appreciated the reminder of why I am doing this in the first place.

I am trying to manage my nutrition a little bit better, remembering that I don't have to finish every meal someone brings me and occasionally declining a sweet snack. But yes, it is nice to know that a small amount of emotional eating -- in this particular case -- is doctor-approved.

From the other side

Y'all have heard me grouse about the whole bedrest situation for a couple of weeks now. Here's a beautiful post in which my husband wrote his perspective:

Wherein I Explain My Actions

Missing

Sometimes, when writing these posts, I feel obligated to balance my complaining with gratitude. And while I think gratitude is an essential part of a healthy life, I want to give myself the freedom to write about being hurt or sad without drudging up some gratitude to go along with it. Just know that you get to see some of the worst of my days here, where I need to share, while the gratitude often comes in quite moments away from the computer.

Today I have been very sad about missing the next few months of Ian's life. I mean, sure, I'm here, and he wanders in and out of my room all day. But I don't get to be Ian's mommy the way I want to be his mommy. When I see him running down the hall or hear him trying out new words, I'm both delighted and sad. I'm so excited to see him grow, but I'm depressed that I only get a bedside view.

I know that I'll love the next phase of Ian's life just as much as this one, but part of me is very jealous for this phase, the right now. To quote my melodramatic mind, "he'll never be this age again."

I'm also mourning the loss of the last few months of Ian as an only child. I was looking forward to keeping him lots of extra special time this fall before his little brother arrives, and now he'll have to share me almost as soon as I get out of bed. (Don't worry, buddy, we'll do a Mommy/Ian Predators game this spring.)

Anyway, that's where I am today. Thanks for listening.

Bed rest

So.....I'm on bed rest. For five months. The rest of my pregnancy.

I have a pretty active imagination when it comes to health issues, but I never imagined I would be here.

Apparently, my body is trying to push this baby out several months early. My condition is known as cervical incompetence, which according to my friend Nancy, is one of the worst names ever for a medical condition (followed closely by irritable uterus).

So here I am, in bed. All day every day. Whee.

One of the strangest aspects of this situation is that being on bed rest for 5 months is just about the best possible outcome, because that means the baby will be full term. So, erm, I'm hoping to do this for 5 months?

I vacillate between gratitude and frustration right now.

I'm frustrated at the way my relationships with Ian and Paul are changing. I want to hang out and play with them again. I'm frustrated that my plans for fall are gone  -- the zoo trips, playgroups, hockey games, and concerts I pictured in my mind are all gone. I'm frustrated that I'll spend my favorite month, October, indoors in a bed. I'm frustrated that I can't control my household OR my own body (and I'm a control freak).

At the same time, I have a lot of gratitude. I am so thankful that this baby has decided to stay put for now. I am thankful that I did not find out about this condition the way so many women have, by losing their babies at 20 weeks. I am thankful that I have a team of doctors willing to fight for my baby's life. I'm thankful to have friends and family who have shown an incredible willingness to help.

And.... this is hard. I keep hearing things lately about adversity bringing me closer to God or helping get to know myself or refining my character, but I'm still waiting for that to happen.